my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
