I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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