it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
