Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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