he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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