that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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