hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
