Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
