Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
