Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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