im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm way too hungover for life right now
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
