If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The air taste purple.
Randomize
