Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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