When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
