woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
