i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
