I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
