i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
