Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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