I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
