youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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