"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
