i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
