I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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