I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
