smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
