I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
