I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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