I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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