woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
