Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
