I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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