Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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