i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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