My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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