dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
