I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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