I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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