he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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