Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
