you would pick up someone in the library
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
