Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
