Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
