the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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