the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
