Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
