I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
