There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
