That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
