Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
