My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There's always time for handjobs
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I touched a dick in church today
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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