So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
